Kissing a Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. You have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says, "That's OK. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

How to Get to Heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would That get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me Into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."