Oi yoi yoi

Actual personals which appeared in israeli papers:

--Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves,
Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in
the "fast" lane.
--Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks
same in woman.
--Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant,
squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
--Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
--Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
--Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
--Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest.
Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.
Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage.
--Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
--Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male
who will accept my independence, although you probably
will not. Oh, just forget it.
--Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.
Seeks non-smoker.
--Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
very good.
--Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
--80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream,
can't I?
--I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your
heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
--Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
--Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
--Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can
get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
--Desparately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
--Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
--Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks
successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my
parents' house.
--Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule
with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important.

The Friar

There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more and more time at the florist shop.

The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar, accordingly, returned to the church.

The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..