Oi yoi yoi

Actual personals which appeared in israeli papers:

--Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves,
Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in
the "fast" lane.
--Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks
same in woman.
--Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant,
squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
--Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
--Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
--Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
--Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest.
Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.
Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage.
--Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
--Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male
who will accept my independence, although you probably
will not. Oh, just forget it.
--Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.
Seeks non-smoker.
--Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
very good.
--Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
--80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream,
can't I?
--I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your
heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
--Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
--Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
--Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can
get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
--Desparately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
--Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
--Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks
successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my
parents' house.
--Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule
with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important.