Sunday, March 25, 2007
Kids say the cutest things!
During Children's time at the Sunday morning service, the minister was talking to the children. He leaned over and told one little girl how pretty her dress was. She replied, directly into his microphone, "Yes, mommy says it's a bitch to iron".
Thursday, March 22, 2007
The Wedding
The Wedding
During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
Modern Morals
Two ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
Don't Mess With Him
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
With that the cook grinned, leaned over, and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
With that the cook grinned, leaned over, and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
Pithy Proverb
A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone
was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.
"I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "here they have learned to feed each other."
was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.
"I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "here they have learned to feed each other."
First Baptism
First Baptism
When my five-year-old daughter, Jasmine, witnessed her first baptism, she sat enthralled as the minister sprinkled water on the baby, who slept peacefully throughout the entire service.
Only later, when she told her grandparents what she had seen in church, did I understand the reason for her fascination. "Grandma, she announced, our minister hypnotized a baby today!"
When my five-year-old daughter, Jasmine, witnessed her first baptism, she sat enthralled as the minister sprinkled water on the baby, who slept peacefully throughout the entire service.
Only later, when she told her grandparents what she had seen in church, did I understand the reason for her fascination. "Grandma, she announced, our minister hypnotized a baby today!"
Pious Pauly
After a huge rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, Auntie Perfesser watched the two little cousins, Pauly and Maury, playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
Pauly grabbed Maury by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, Auntie ran to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to Maury?!?" she asked as she shook Pauly.
"We were just playing 'church' Auntie," Pauly said. "And I was just baptizing him... in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.
Pauly grabbed Maury by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, Auntie ran to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to Maury?!?" she asked as she shook Pauly.
"We were just playing 'church' Auntie," Pauly said. "And I was just baptizing him... in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.
Signs That Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Signs That Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
8. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
7. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
6. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
5. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
4. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
3. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
8. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
7. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
6. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
5. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
4. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
3. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Annulment
"Father," said Luigi, "I wanna an annulment."
"Why, Luigi?" asked the priest. "You justa gotta married yesterday."
"I tink I married my sister," Luigi said.
"No, no Luigi," said his proest. "I know you ana you wife alla you lives, and there is no relation. What make-a you tink she's-a you sister?"
"Last night we undress for bed, she looka at my dicka, an' she say, 'Oh, brother!'"
"Why, Luigi?" asked the priest. "You justa gotta married yesterday."
"I tink I married my sister," Luigi said.
"No, no Luigi," said his proest. "I know you ana you wife alla you lives, and there is no relation. What make-a you tink she's-a you sister?"
"Last night we undress for bed, she looka at my dicka, an' she say, 'Oh, brother!'"
Poison
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi , very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell yo u what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know"
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi , very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell yo u what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know"
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
A Million Dollars
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Words at Mourning
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Before and after
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
Before marriage and after marriage.
Marriage is a three-ring circus
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Points of view
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
You'll Get Your Quilt
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Runs on oats and grass
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''
The Ten Commandments
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments, " answered the lady.
The Lord is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know." (my favorite)
Moses & the Red Sea
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
A Higher Power
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
Noah Fishing?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
Lot's Wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
Story of Elijah
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
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