Oi yoi yoi

Actual personals which appeared in israeli papers:

--Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves,
Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in
the "fast" lane.
--Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks
same in woman.
--Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant,
squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
--Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
--Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
--Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
--Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest.
Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.
Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage.
--Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
--Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male
who will accept my independence, although you probably
will not. Oh, just forget it.
--Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.
Seeks non-smoker.
--Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
very good.
--Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
--80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream,
can't I?
--I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your
heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
--Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
--Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
--Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can
get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
--Desparately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
--Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
--Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks
successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my
parents' house.
--Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule
with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important.

The Friar

There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more and more time at the florist shop.

The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar, accordingly, returned to the church.

The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..

Hair-Don't

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome .

So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental', was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'

'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. ……..So, what’cha doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'

'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh really! What'd he say?'

He said: 'Where'd you get the terrible hairdo?'

Now that's dry!

It's so dry in Kentucky that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn into water.

Now that's dry!

Honoring the Dead

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Randy standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Randy.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Randy's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

Letters to a Pastor

Letters to a Pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, age 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every Thursday, even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette.
Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Chrissy. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you had free donuts. Lorreen Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

I Swear to Beer

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be they drink.

Thy will be drunk.
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For this is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
For ever and ever,
Barmen.

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Drive-Thru Confessional

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock‘n’roll gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “And I appreciate that. But, the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.”

Shirley Goodnest

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? "

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

How To Tell If You Need To Pray At Work

* When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to
everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of
her/him"...You need to pray at work.

* When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and
you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

* When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which
one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at
work.

* When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person
comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a
stapler at him...... You need to pray at work.

* When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses
your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide
underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.

* When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the
first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!"....
You need to pray at work.

* When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you
think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"........ You need to pray at work.

* If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or
flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at
work.

* If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone
because you know it's going to lead to their life story .....You need to
pray at work.

* If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....You need to pray
at work!

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS...

Frisbeetarianism

Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Church Cats

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work. A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door.

She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens.

She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."

Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should have thought of that before they joined my church."

We are but dust??

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?

Three Wise Women

What would have happened if it had been the three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

• they would have asked directions
  
• arrived on time
  
• helped deliver the baby
  
• cleaned the stable
  
• brought practical gifts
  
• and made a casserole

But what would they have said as they left?

As they left, they would have said:

• Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?
  
• That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!
  
• Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there?
  
• And that donkey they are riding has seen better days, too!
  
• Want to bet on how long it will take before you get your casserole dish back?
  
• I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!
  
• Virgin, my *%@$! I knew her in school!
  

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"