Oi yoi yoi

Actual personals which appeared in israeli papers:

--Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves,
Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in
the "fast" lane.
--Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks
same in woman.
--Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant,
squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
--Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
--Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
--Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
--Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest.
Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.
Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage.
--Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
--Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male
who will accept my independence, although you probably
will not. Oh, just forget it.
--Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.
Seeks non-smoker.
--Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
very good.
--Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
--80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream,
can't I?
--I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your
heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
--Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
--Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
--Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can
get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
--Desparately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
--Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
--Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks
successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my
parents' house.
--Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule
with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important.

Three Wise Women

What would have happened if it had been the three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

• they would have asked directions
  
• arrived on time
  
• helped deliver the baby
  
• cleaned the stable
  
• brought practical gifts
  
• and made a casserole

But what would they have said as they left?

As they left, they would have said:

• Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?
  
• That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!
  
• Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there?
  
• And that donkey they are riding has seen better days, too!
  
• Want to bet on how long it will take before you get your casserole dish back?
  
• I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!
  
• Virgin, my *%@$! I knew her in school!
  

Walter Smith

A woman checked in at the Pearly Gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith.

Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

Get Behind Me!

There's the story of the woman who brought home an expensive dress saying to her husband, "The devil made me buy it." So her husband asked, "Why didn't you say, "Get behind me Satan?." "I did," protested the wife, but then he said, "It looks great from back here, too."

God made man before woman

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.