Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Hot Air

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Advance Notice

A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him peach.

He asked the Vicar "Did you give notice of my visit?".

"No" replied the vicar, "but word seems to have got round anyway".

The Friar

There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more and more time at the florist shop.

The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar, accordingly, returned to the church.

The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..

Letters to a Pastor

Letters to a Pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, age 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every Thursday, even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette.
Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Chrissy. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you had free donuts. Lorreen Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Televangelists

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.