A lady goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The lady says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist."
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
Candles, Bells, and Carols
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Monday, November 26, 2007
Kissing a Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. You have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "That's OK. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. You have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "That's OK. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"
How to Get to Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would That get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me Into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me Into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Four Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service.
Monday, October 29, 2007
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Church Bloopers
* PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Mrs. Charlene Smith sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Mrs. Charlene Smith sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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