Preaching to a Bear

A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. "What happened with you?" they asked.

"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Cowboy in Church

One Sunday morning an Old Cowboy entered a Church just before services were to begin. Although the Old Man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The Church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful Church the Old Cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the Cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the Old Cowboy was leaving the church, the Preacher approached him and asked the Cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The Old Cowboy assured the Preacher
he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The Preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our
Church."

"I did," replied the Old Cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the Preacher. "Well, Sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this Church before."

EXPLANATION OF GOD

'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.'

'God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime.

God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.'

'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy.
So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'

'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.'

'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God.

They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.'

'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'

'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.'

'You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach.
This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.'

'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'

'But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

And...that's why I believe in God.'

Oi yoi yoi

Actual personals which appeared in israeli papers:

--Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves,
Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in
the "fast" lane.
--Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks
same in woman.
--Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant,
squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
--Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
--Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
--Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
--Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest.
Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.
Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage.
--Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
--Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male
who will accept my independence, although you probably
will not. Oh, just forget it.
--Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.
Seeks non-smoker.
--Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
very good.
--Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
--80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream,
can't I?
--I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your
heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
--Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
--Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
--Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can
get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
--Desparately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
--Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
--Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks
successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my
parents' house.
--Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule
with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important.

The Friar

There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more and more time at the florist shop.

The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar, accordingly, returned to the church.

The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..

Hair-Don't

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome .

So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental', was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'

'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. ……..So, what’cha doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'

'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh really! What'd he say?'

He said: 'Where'd you get the terrible hairdo?'

Now that's dry!

It's so dry in Kentucky that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn into water.

Now that's dry!